Samanthat Santiago: Loss of Self™️
Hello, my name is Samantha. I am a biracial (black and white) woman who grew up in the Southern United States. I had two plantations from my home, and lived through drifts of racial terms, conversations, and experiences. I recognise for a lot of people racism is dead, but for me I know that is not true because racism was taught like church, verbally and non-verbally at different times.
As I grew up, by the age of 22, I had overcome parental divorce, low self-value, biracial wounds, alcohol addiction, and leaving God. I felt lost, stuck, broken, and unloved—a term I coined loss of self™️—and I realised my broken love seeped deeply into the wounds of my spirit, and carried itself with me through life until I address them. As I was growing up, I was tricked into calling my first boyfriend a racial slur, then my cousin called me a racial slur, but the most significant moment within my being, was the moment I saw that society’s subliminal messaging had infiltrated my conscious mind. On this day, I was walking alone, and a black man (very far from me) was approaching, not looking, head down, and trying to get out of the heat. I remember feeling within my mind a sense of fear or anxiety that something was going to happen, and it hit me, I just betrayed my own.
In this moment, I saw racism as a psychological, and physical game of keeping another down, fitting into boxes so others can feel better, and more. I actually never felt that I fit into either side—fighting to be black enough and creating a dual professional persona with my white attributes. In my growing up, I recognised that most biracial, or multiracial people have to struggle with fitting in or choosing a side. They are met with government papers asking them to choose, daily life asking which culture they lean more towards, but the worst is the implicit boxes that others force you to sit in because it make them more comfortable. I have dealt with each of these situations since age 22, and with others as well, but I know racial issues are still alive as I watch TV shows, and hear conversations. In the United States, slavery is the one major thing that separated us, and in my opinion it is still used to divide and conquer. Most are not like this anymore, but I have to question those who are in charge still being that way because in Florida, an elementary school, hosted a black and biracial student only assembly that was not approved by any parent to “motivate” them to make better standardized test grades by showing a power point, calling students out by name, suggesting competitions with each other and fast-food meals as rewards, as well as saying they have a higher rate of being shot or in jail if not responsible in school – these are the moments that keep letting me know there is work to be done, and this is why I am so glad I have found People In Harmony.
Upon deciding I wanted to do more in helping others like myself, I began doing research, a self-healing process, but also a project that I could be proud of. I found nothing within the United States that spoke to me. Honestly, from speaking with the group, I don’t think there is anything here in the United States that stands to what you all are offering, and it is sad to me. In meeting you all through this search, I have found a safe space where, even though some conversations may be hard, it is okay. As I have spoken with a few of the group, I know there is nothing but love, the same love that every biracial child truly needs to feel because as we sit on the fence of grey, the black and white sides of life continue without seeing that there are those unable to freely move because there is no lane for us. This group has built a sidewalk in my head, as with others that I have met in my life, and “welcomed” is the least of the proper words that could be used. In reality, when I hit 22, I found someone that I wanted to love, and that was the start of my healing journey.
Since I had so many wounds before the age of 22, it is relevant in saying that it took me a decade to heal the majority of all of these loss of self™️ topics that derived from broken love within my existence. This man that I found actually turned out to be Italian and Puerto Rican, experiencing some of the same exact things I had. Being dictated to a race box, being judged for appearances and personality, but more so, feeling that he just didn’t fit in at times. Luckily for him, he identified with black culture, and through us, we now have future generations among us. We know we have to prepare them for this world. The beauty of being bi- or multi-racial is unprecedented, but the pain that can come with it is one that will last a lifetime. In my experience the best part of being biracial has been my beauty – unique skin tone, curly hair, and flexibility to blend into Hispanic culture as well as White and Black, but the worst has always been just not being seen or heard for who I am.
If you are dealing with something similar or have children you are worried about, I encourage you to retain your control. You don’t have to expose your children to race until you are ready, and you can say “high melanin” and “low melanin” to describe people. Power is in your words, so as a parent or person supporting those on the fence of grey, you have what it takes to make the difference. Your perspective is immeasurable—on a platform that many cannot relate to, and that is a gift on its own. In being in control of how you or your child lives within these man-made issues, you don’t have to follow societal norms at times, and you don’t have to feel guilty. Your heart and your child’s hearts are on the line, so despite what life says, you can teach the next generation a new way, changing themselves, their relationships with others, and eventually the world.
About the Author: Dr. Samantha Santiago, Ph.D., M.B.A., is a relationship coach and consultant dedicated to helping individuals on their journey of self-discovery and healing. You can learn more about her work at www.confidencefaith.com or connect with her via email at hello@confidencefaith.com.